The Monster (2007)

THE MONSTER

 

I hate my disease

my disease makes me violent

my disease makes me angry

my disease makes me depressed

my disease makes me miserable

at best

my disease makes me

 

 

I dunno how it happened

We were all laughing, and then...

she said it

I'd hoped she wouldn't

not here

not now

not in front of all these people

so much to lose

so I hit her

the disease helped me

all it's power ran to my hand and hit her harder

her head hit the table's edge

I watched her for a split second as the redness poured from her head

I'd hit her with the palm of my hand

that's not sharp

it should've left a bruise

not blood

she was my friend

she thought my disease was funny

they all think it's funny

they giggle and cackle and laugh until I cry

otherwise I'd be laughing with them

probably

maybe

 

 

She ran to the toilets in floods of tears

She'd hit you so hard, there was blood streaming down your face,

what could I do, what could I do?

Stay with you, or calm her down?

Calm her down, calm her down

no need to panic, a nurse will come for you

our lovely nurse

I found her

curled in a tight ball in the corner of the loos

and I saw in her wide eyes

a blinding madness which resembled that of a wild animal

This fear and terror had swept through her

her whole body was shaking violently

she screamed when I came near her,

she wouldn't let me touch her

You unleashed in her a monster

a monster that she had tried and failed for so long to suppress and hide

You did that.

 

 

That was probably the srongest it had ever been

my disease was getting stronger

consuming every part of me

until there's no more me

just my disease

there was someone coming towards me

a shadow for all I cared

Come to jeer, have you?

You what?

She was trying to say something to me

Can't hear you, mate

just the blood pumping through my ears

and my own racking sobs

Who are you anyway

oh, you

one of them

just like the one I hit

one of my friends

She reached for my hand

Get off me, you freak

go join your stupid little friend

you have no right to touch me

 

 

I desperately tried to grab the scissors

from her pale and blood-covered hand

I'd never seen her like this before in my life

so happy and full of life she always was

What had you done to her?

What had you said to make her so upset?

I can't even remember what you said

It can't have been that bad

otherwise I would've noticed

 

 

Oh look

that's where the blood came from

scissors

in my hand

I clutched them so tight I didn't even notice

the blades cutting into my soft skin

Well, if it was hurting me,

then presumably it was hurting my disease too

my bloody wretched disease

can scissors hurt disease?

Just maybe?

No?

Didn't think so.

 

 

Oh God

What was I to do now

Stay with her, or go back to you?

She needs help

now

I can't leave her

Oh God

 

 

Well, you see if it was something like cancer

you wouldn't be laughing if I had cancer

they wouldn't find that quite so funny now would they

everyone knows what cancer is

my disease thinks that's funny too

that they have no idea

they go about their blissful lives

occasionally stopping to laugh at my disease

then carrying on

so blissfully unaware.

 

 

Right, I had to start thinking straight.

I grabbed the scissors firmly off her

it was a lot easier than expected

she'd stopped crying now, thank God

but she wouldn't budge, wouldn't look at me

her eyes were transfixed upon a stain on the wall

She was clearly deep in troubled thought, the slightest frown on her face

I ran back to the classroom

you were gone

only a few stunned people remained,

frantically scrubbing the blood off the table

And there I was,

still clutching the bloodstained scissors

my face flushed hot and cold,

dizzyness overwhelming me

maybe I should go back to her, I thought

I'm the one with the scissors, I'll be fine

how stupid does that sound.

This was all so stupid, so petty

But something you said hurt her so badly

God, I don't like you anymore

What happened?

Something else I don't know about?

Just go back

See if she's ok.

 

 

She'd left

Just me and my disease.

My disease and me.

On our own.

It's worse when we're left alone,

it controls me much more easily

What had I been doing with scissors then?

Cutting stuff?

Doing homework?

At lunchtime?

At school?

Not a chance.

I couldn't think that far back.

Well, I hoped now that they'd learned

Don't laugh at my disease

Just don't

'Cause it's not funny

Well I hadn't meant to hurt her

it wasn't me, it was my disease

I felt more composed

I felt I should go back

BANG

I jumped when she burst through the door

still clutching the scissors

She looked terrified,

as if i was about to hit her too

She rinsed off the scissors

filling the sink with swirls of pink

I watched intently as the water swooshed around

in the bowl

trying not to look at her

 

Shakily I got up and wandered back to the classroom

She was right behind me with the scissors

Dare I go in?

 

 

When she opened the door,

a painful silence broke out in the room

you were standing there,

your eyes all puffy and red,

with a big plaster on your head,

the blood visibly seeping through already.

They all turned to glare at her,

resentment and disgust in their eyes.

I cringed and wished they'd stop,

she'd been through enough

I don't know what had made her do what she did

but please don't stare at her like that

They hadn't seen her writhing on the floor,

battling with some kind of mental pain.

It had been as if it wasn't just something you'd said,

but something else.

Something really big that's bothering her.

She's been like this for ages, but never this bad.

I feel so helpless, she won't tell me what's wrong.

Why not?

Why?

 

 

I still hate my disease

my disease still makes me violent

my disease still makes me angry

my disease still makes me depressed

my disease still makes me miserable

at best

at worst it makes me stab my friends with scissors

when they say things that other people would brush off

normally

People who don't have my disease

but at least now they won't laugh

No-one's going to laugh at my disease anymore.

No-one.

 

 

 

Sophie Horrocks 31st May 2007 at some ungodly hour in the morning.